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Relationships and Traps

The book is from Honza Vojtko, it is his second book and it was released after the podcast series Vztahy a pasti.

Boredom​

The belief that relationships inevitably become boring over time is a myth that is not true. You may have felt the excitement and butterflies at the beginning of the relationship, and thought that everything would be perfect and fulfilling forever. However, this initial rush is due to chemistry and pure instincts that our subconscious mind creates for us. A large amount of dopamine and serotonin are released for a few months, and then the hormones get back in balance.

In reality, you don't have to feel bored at all. Boredom usually arises from three types of situations:

  1. When you are forbidden from doing what you want.
  2. When you are forced to do something that you don't want to do.
  3. When you have a feeling of boredom, but you can't figure out why.

All of these situations stem from a lack of purpose. This is a particularly significant issue for men, as they need to have a purpose, however small or great it may be. Start with some hobbies, and you'll feel better. The same is true for women. If you're bored in a relationship, try to find out why you're feeling that way. Your partner is not there to satisfy your lack of purpose, but to help you find one and work on it together as a team.

Questions to Ask Yourself​

  1. Can I do something together with my partner?
  2. Do I let my partner inspire me?
  3. Can I pursue a new activity and purpose alone?
  4. Can I share my achievements with my partner?
  5. Why do I need to do something new?

Need for sex​

Sexuality is a complex topic, and the question is, why? Is it a question that we ask ourselves, or is society putting a value on it? You may have heard that having sex twice a week is essential for a healthy relationship, but this is a huge mistake. Every person's needs and desires are different.

The main goal should be to have intimacy that suits both partners. It can be holding hands, kissing, or spending quality time together with some physical touch. Not everyone needs to engage in penetrative sex to have a good relationship if they don't want to.

It's normal for one partner to want sex more than the other. This is not a problem as long as it's not used as a weapon or a way to manipulate the other person into doing something they don't want to do.

There will be ups and downs in the long run. During these times, be open and seek help from your partner. If someone doesn't want to have sex for an extended period, it's important to look deeper and seek help to address any underlying physical or mental health issues.

Remember that if you don't feel satisfied, it's important to talk about it. It may not be pleasant or easy, but avoiding the issue will only lead to more problems in the long run.

Questions to Ask Yourself​

  1. Has your desire for sex changed over time?
  2. Is it still the same as it was at the beginning of the relationship?
  3. Is your desire higher or lower than your partner's?
  4. Can you talk about sex openly with your partner? (Couples who can talk about sex tend to have better sexual experiences.)
  5. How do social networks influence your perception of sex?

Relationship as a therapeutic coach​

This trap is about using your partner as a therapist, which can happen unintentionally. You may feel like they understand you better, and in some extreme cases, some couples may send their partner to a therapist to solve their problems for them.

You may also find yourself analyzing your partner's emotions and trying to figure out where they come from instead of simply listening and experiencing the moment with them.

It's important to remember that in a relationship, each person has the right to keep secrets if they choose to do so. Don't use your partner as a dumping ground for all your emotions, as it's not sustainable in the long run. It's okay to seek professional help if needed.

What to ask?​

  1. Do you rely solely on your partner to share both positive and negative things that happen to you, or do you talk to other people as well?
  2. Do you expect your partner to always provide a resolution to your problems?
  3. Are you mindful of not overwhelming your partner with your emotions?
  4. Are you open to seeking professional help if needed?

Parents instead of partners​

The first shock for a relationship is having a baby. There might be other challenges, but none with as much impact as having a child. Partners often focus on the child and forget about each other. Relationships require work, and after having a child, that work doubles.

If you focus solely on being a parent, you can lose sight of who you are. You must continually work on the intimacy in your relationship. Partners cannot just tolerate each other. This can create a distance between them that may be irreparable.

Don't only talk about practical parenting matters, such as what diapers to buy. Don't just be a parent. Share your love, send each other pictures, talk about your feelings, and remember to work on your relationship.

Also, be aware that there may be a desire to project your dreams and love onto the baby. This can cause damage to the child and also to you and your partner.

What to ask?​

  1. Are you avoiding talking about something because you're tired?
  2. When was the last time you spent time together after the baby fell asleep?
  3. Do you believe that marriage is primarily about having children?

Always at work​

Everyone needs money, so we go to work. This can be rewarding and motivating, but it can also distract us from our relationship and mask some of the problems we face.

One study suggests that working late doesn't have to harm a relationship if we communicate well and find the right balance. We need to let each other know that work is important to us and react constructively when our partner says work is affecting the relationship.

The key is to plan our week. Even if our schedule is tight, we can take a few minutes before the work week to plan our time with our partner, including intimacy. Planning doesn't have to kill spontaneity and can actually create anticipation.

What to ask?​

  1. When was the last time we checked in with our partner via text or call?
  2. How much does it bother you that your partner works a lot?
  3. Do you feel guilty about working too much?
  4. Do you enjoy your work or do you work mainly out of necessity?

Social networks​

They are a significant phenomenon in our time. While they can cause a lot of trouble, it is not their fault; it is ours and how we use them. Many people spend a lot of time on social networks, but if you want to have a serious relationship, you need to focus on it with full attention.

Social media keeps us connected to a lot of people. If you add a photo, someone from the past or even someone you don't know may react. You might keep this person on the back burner and have a backup plan if the relationship doesn't work out. It may not happen immediately, but it could occur eventually.

To give you an idea, statistics show that we touch our phones 2600 times a day! If we spent those 2600 touches on our partner, it would equate to 15 minutes each day, which could make a huge difference.

Many profiles can distort your perception of your relationship. You might wonder why they are always laughing and have no issues. However, everyone has problems, and we shouldn't fall into the trap of illusions. Interestingly, partners who share a lot of pictures with each other are not necessarily happy in their relationship. But those who have their partners in their profile pictures tend to have stronger relationships.

Questions to ask​

  1. How much time do you spend on social media?
  2. When was the last time you had a meal with your partner without looking at your phone?
  3. Have you ever argued about social media?
  4. Do you think social media has improved your self-esteem?

The cursed romance​

The love at first sight is not a myth, but it is the result of a huge computation done by our subconscious mind. What this means is that when we are romantically attracted to someone, it is because we most likely have different genes, which could increase the chances of survival for our potential children. Nature has created this process and when we see someone with a set of different values, our brain releases a soup of hormones and we become attracted to them (at least for a while).

Our perception of relationships has largely been shaped by romanticism and what we expect from a partner. We often imagine that love lasts forever and everything will be perfect once we find "the one." However, before the concept of marriage was introduced, it was mainly used to merge the properties of two families and to create children.

It is important to remember that when we choose a partner based on our emotions and feelings, it may not lead to a great long-term relationship as we get to know each other better. In the initial stages, we are often in love with our own imagination of the person. Therefore, we need to take time to get to know each other and avoid falling into the trap of an early relationship with the sole vision of having access to sex.

Another thing we should avoid is thinking that there is a template for how a relationship should look or feel. Every relationship is unique and the feelings we have for each other are different. We do not need to have butterflies when we first see each other, but we also should not find each other repulsive.

Lastly, it is important to note that love and sex are not the same things. One can lead to another, but they are not a prerequisite for each other. It is also okay if someone does not desire sex. Talking about money and property is not a betrayal of love, but a necessity that we need to go through. When we realize that we are all just human beings who make mistakes, we can create better relationships. Therefore, do not forget to learn how to communicate and respect each other.

What to ask​

  1. Does your partner understand your feelings?
  2. What do you expect from your partner?
  3. How often do you reflect on whether this is how the relationship should be and feel?
  4. Do you avoid tough conversations because you do not think they should be included in a relationship?
  5. Do you believe in destiny?

Parents​

Parents undoubtedly have a significant impact on our relationships in adult life, which can be both positive and negative. As I like to say, parents can't mess up their children completely. It's up to us to identify the patterns we've internalized and "upgrade" ourselves to become better people. Therefore, it's essential to determine where our communication and emotional patterns originated, communicate them, and get rid of those we don't want.

There are two archetypes we will discuss: the arguing one and the passive-aggressive one, and both are not ideal. One needs to learn how to constructively argue to bring something positive, and the other one needs to learn how to express their emotions. Create a safe space in your relationship where you can communicate your emotions openly.

Figure out what you're searching for in a partner. Is it something that will compensate for the areas where you lack confidence? I once heard the advice, "Create a list of what you are searching for in your partner and become that person."

Be wary of a trap in your relationship where you may have a strong connection to someone in your family that can cause a weak point in your connection with your partner. Don't include your parents in an argument, and don't allow them to tell you what your relationship should look like. This can lead to serious problems. Don't be afraid to tell them that their involvement is causing discomfort. The relationship is created by two people, and no one should dictate how you should have it.

There is a great concept of how we should treat our kids: when they are young, keep them close, hug them, and protect them. As they grow older, release the hug a bit and let them experience life's lessons. When they become adults, welcome them with open arms and appreciate the time when they come to you. Hug them and then let them build their life and family. It may be painful, but it's your job as a parent to be strong.

What to ask​

  1. How often do you seek advice from your parents?
  2. When was the last time you criticized your partner for acting like their parents?
  3. Do you discuss your intimate life with your parents?
  4. Why are you afraid of what your parents may say about your partner, and how often does this fear occur?

Always positive​

Recent studies have found that we argue mostly for three reasons:

  1. Arrogance: This means that our partner belittles us, is dishonest, or makes fun of us, and thinks they are superior to us.
  2. Possessiveness: This can be shown if our partner is overly jealous or dependent on us, demanding too much attention.
  3. Rejection: We feel that our partner is rejecting us by not responding to our emotions and feelings, leaving us to deal with them alone. We may feel that they wouldn't write to us if we didn't write to them first. Even though we may not think that conflicts in a relationship are healthy, they can be. So don't be afraid to say that you need to talk about your relationship. It is even a good practice to have a monthly check-in with your spouse and create a list of things that you need to discuss.

You have the right to your feelings and to share them. Find a safe way to do so. It is okay to feel unwell, unloved, criticized, or off-track from where you agreed to be going. Open up about these feelings. Don't be afraid. Learn how to have unconditional positive regard.

Remember that each individual sees life through their own eyes, emotions, and experiences. There is no one truth in a relationship, just different perspectives. Hard problems don't have simple solutions.

Questions to ask:​

  1. What are the topics that you tend to argue about in your relationship?
  2. Do you think that arguing is beneficial for a relationship in some ways?
  3. Is there a particular space or time that feels more conducive to having arguments?
  4. Are you afraid of arguments because you fear that they might lead to a breakup?

The relationship itself​

The concept of a "toxic" relationship is more accurately described as an unhealthy relationship, which arises when at least one partner's needs are not being met. This can lead to one partner feeling threatened or even endangered by the other. Often, bad communication and unresolved conflicts are the culprits, along with a lack of true love and emotional intimacy.

There are eight essential elements that we should look for in a healthy relationship:

  1. Safety: A relationship must be a safe space in which to grow and thrive, where both partners feel protected and respected.
  2. Appreciation: Each partner should feel appreciated for who they are, with all their insecurities, and their actions should be understood and respected.
  3. Acceptance: Both partners should be able to use the relationship as a shield and care for each other, feeling respected and cared for.
  4. Reciprocity: Each partner should be able to understand the other's experiences, relate to them, and provide support. Common trauma is an example.
  5. Self-definition: Partners should have space to be themselves, pursue their passions, and be accepted and loved for their differences.
  6. Causal reaction: Partners should be able to change each other's perspectives without manipulating, and recognize the effects of their actions.
  7. Love language: Partners should recognize and respect each other's preferred love language, whether through physical touch, gifts, or words of affirmation.
  8. Initiative: Both partners should take initiative in the relationship, rather than one person feeling like they are doing everything.

To maintain a healthy relationship, we must be aware of the four "horsemen of the apocalypse": criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and disconnection. When these arise, we need to take a step back, identify the unmet need, and work on it together.

Here are some questions to consider:​

  1. Do you feel lonely in your current relationship?
  2. Have you experienced loneliness in past relationships?
  3. Are you afraid that your partner will leave you?
  4. What is a taboo topic in your relationship?
  5. When it comes to therapy, we should evaluate whether it is effective for us and our relationship. Sometimes, we may need to see a different therapist or discontinue therapy if it is not yielding positive results. It's also important to reflect on why we are seeking therapy and whether we are using it as a way to avoid sharing our feelings with our partner in the long term.