No more mr. nice guy

Nice guy definition

Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it "right." They are happiest when they are making others happy. Nice Guys avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone. In general, Nice Guys are peaceful and generous. Nice Guys are especially concerned about pleasing women and being different from other men. In a nutshell, Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled.

1. They believe that they are the "good" ones, and for that, they should receive the love and they should have their needs met.
2. They are caretaking, giving to get, fixing, keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, seeking approval, hiding mistakes.
3. They will usually become something and someone, that they belive they should be loved for.

Who is the nice guy?

1. He is the relative who lets his wife run the show.
2. He is the buddy who will do anything for anybody, but whose own life seems to be in shambles.
3. He is the guy who frustrates his wife or girlfriend because he is so afraid of conflict that nothing ever gets resolved.
4. He is the boss who tells one person what they want to hear, then reverses himself to please someone else.
5. He is the man who lets people walk all over him because he doesn't want to rock the boat.
6. He is the dependable guy at church or the club who will never say "no," but would never tell anyone if they were imposing on him.
7. He is the man whose life seems so under control, until BOOM, one day he does something to destroy it all.

Their characteristics

1. Nice guys are givers. They look at the giving as a pass for the other people to love them.
2. Nice guys fix and caretake. If there is a problem, they will try to fix it.
3. Nice guys seek approval from others. They seek the validation. They are calculating the the outcome to gain approval and avoid disapproval.
4. Nice guys avoid conflict. They tend to be without any issues, because they think that everyone loves people without any issues.
5. Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes. These men are afraid that others will get mad at them, shame them, or leave them if some mistake or shortcoming is exposed.
6. Nice guys seek the "right" way to do things. There is a believe that there is a way, that will be always good and nothing will go wrong.
7. Nice Guys repress their feelings. The first comes the analyzation, rather then felling.
8. Nice Guys often try to be different from their fathers. Many Nice Guys report having unavailable, absent, passive, angry, philandering, or alcoholic fathers. It is not unusual for these men to make a decision at some point in their lives to try to be 180 degrees different from Dad.
9. Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men. They tend to have less male friends. The right approval are received by woman, so they keep the women closer.
10. Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority. They think that it is selfish to put their needs first.
11. Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center. They are only happy when their partner is happy. Therefore they put a lot of energy into their relationship.

What is wrong about them

1. Nice guys are dishonest. These men hide their mistakes, avoid conflict, say what they think people want to hear, and repress their feelings.
2. Nice Guys are secretive. They are hiding everything that might upset the others. "If at fist you don't succeed, hide the evidence."
3. Nice Guys are compartmentalized. Therefore, a married man can create his own definition of fidelity which allows him to deny that he had an affair with his secretary (or intern) because he never put his penis in her vagina.
4. Nice Guys are manipulative. Nice Guys tend to have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want in clear and direct ways. This creates a sense of powerlessness. Therefore, they frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their needs met.
5. Nice Guys are controlling. A major priority for Nice Guys is keeping their world smooth. This creates a constant need to try to control the people and things around them.
6. Nice Guys give to get. Though Nice Guys tend to be generous givers, their giving often has unconscious and unspoken strings attached. Nice Guys often report feeling frustrated or resentful as a result of giving so much while seemingly getting so little in return.
7. Nice Guys are passive-aggressive. Nice Guys tend to express their frustration and resentment in indirect, roundabout, and not so nice ways. This includes being unavailable, forgetting, being late, not following through, not being able to get an erection, climaxing too quickly, and repeating the same annoying behaviors even when they have promised to never do them again.
8. Nice Guys are full of rage. Though Nice Guys frequently deny ever getting angry, a lifetime of frustration and resentment creates a pressure cooker of repressed rage deep inside these men. This rage tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times.
9. Nice Guys are addictive. Addictive behavior serves the purpose of relieving stress, altering moods, or medicating pain. Since Nice Guys tend to keep so much bottled up inside, it has to come out somewhere.
10. Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries. Many Nice Guys have a hard time saying "no," "stop," or "I'm going to." They often feel like helpless victims and see the other person as the cause of the problems they are experiencing.
11. Nice Guys are frequently isolated. Though Nice Guys desire to be liked and loved, their behaviors actually make it difficult for people to get very close to them.
12. Nice Guys are often attracted to people and situations that need fixing. This behavior is often the result of the Nice Guy's childhood conditioning, his need to look good, or his quest for approval.
13. Nice Guys frequently have problems in intimate relationships.
14. Nice Guys have issues with sexuality.
15. Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful. The majority of Nice Guys I've met have been talented, intelligent, and moderately successful. Almost without exception though, they fail to live up to their full potential.

They way out

It might seem a bit critical to list all the inmperfections. Not all of them are that bad, sometimes just a small portion of the traits can be found and they may not have such an impact on the relationships or their life.

Attributes of the integrated male

What they can focus on now is to be and integrated male that possesses the following attributes:

1. He has a strong sense of self. He likes himself just as he is.
2. He takes responsibility for getting his own needs met.
3. He is comfortable with his masculinity and his sexuality.
4. He has integrity. He does what is right, not what is expedient.
5. He is a leader. He is willing to provide for and protect those he cares about.
6. He is clear, direct, and expressive of his feelings.
7. He can be nurturing and giving without caretaking or problem-solving.
8. He knows how to set boundaries and is not afraid to work through conflict.

Steps to break out from the circle

Now I will show you the steps that you can take. One by one, try them in your real life. It will feel akward, but you can turn into much better and successful individual. Don't forget to communicate this to your close ones. The changes that you will be making will be different from your own behavior and you can scare them. The reason for doing this is to make you better, not to let others feel or see some resentment. Learn how to communicate this and all the difficult conversations. (Great book as well!).

1. Accept themselves just as they are. You may not know what is wrong with you and your ego will protect that part. Then just accept that you may have some flaws, that you are not perfect. No one is perfect and everyone is somehow damaged.
2. Use their mistakes as valuable learning tools. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Be afraid of not taking actions based on the learning next time.
3. Stop seeking the approval of others. You can approve yourself in your best belief of what is wrong. Make a list of good things that you have done in the past. The things that you are proud of.
4. Experience loving and intimate relationships. Don't be afraid to let go. Try to fully trust the people. Do not control them and do not control the environment. Open your heart, you will be able to survive it. You already survived a disconnection in your childhood most likely so you can be strong.
5. Make their needs a priority. My inner nice guy is maybe talking but if you want to be a great man, that provides and protects. That is able to of being gentle and strong in time of need. You have to know how to put your priorities behind. But maybe this point is about not putting your needs behind if you are doing it to please someone or get something back.
6. Find people who are able and willing to help them meet their needs.
7. Learn to give judiciously, with no strings attached. Try to give and not to expect. Learn it by exercising it on some less important people in your life. Just do things for doing them and being present, don't think about the future.
8. Face their fears. From time to time, go and get your skin out. Are you afraid of something? Get stronger with going against it.
9. Develop integrity and honesty. Be honest, do not calculate the outcomes. Speak your mind. If you don't like something, don't let them do it to you. But don't forget to embrace the good things as well. Learn how to be critical and how to take the criticism.
10. Set boundaries. Learn yourself how to set them properly as well. Create a safe space when everyone around you can create their boundaries and learn to respect them. Once the boundaries are set, stand your ground, but be available for adjusting them in your relationships.
11. Build meaningful relationships with men. Surround yourself with more masculinity. But I mean the good masculinity, not the misogynist and arogant one. Those are just trying to hide something behind their words. Go to join some sports and go for a bear from time to time.
12. Create healthier, more satisfying relationships with women. Don't do something for them and expect reward. Respect them for what they're. Don't try to control their emotions, you can't. Don't be afraid to lose the ones that are not good enough. Do not ever settle for the wrong ones and do not settle for a bad sex, you can do better.
13. Experience and express their feelings. Live your life, be in the present, thats where the emotions are. Don't be in the future, where is just anxiety and don't be in the past, where is regret. Live, love and fight for your love.
14. Deal with problems directly. Don't hesitate, the problem will not solve itself by default. Do something about it, and remember that there will never be a such a thing as peace.
15. Develop an intimate and satisfying sexual relationship. Learn what you like and how do you like it. Enjoy your full sexuality and embrace it. Do not be hesitate about it and don't try to hide it. Accept it.
16. Find peace with the changing complexities of life. No peace, just chaos. But the order is for the weak and dumb, genius will handle the chaos. And my favorite: "Chaos is a ladder for everyone who is brave enough to climb it."